Barney: Jesus waited three days to come back to life. It was perfect! If he had only waited one day, a lot of people wouldn’t have even heard he died. They’d be all, “Hey Jesus, what up?” and Jesus would probably be like, “What up? I died yesterday!” and they’d be all, “Uh, you look pretty alive to me, dude…” and then Jesus would have to explain how he was resurrected, and how it was a miracle, and the dude’d be like “Uhh okay, whatever you say, bro…” And he’s not gonna come back on a Saturday. Everybody’s busy, doing chores, workin’ the loom, trimmin’ the beard, NO. He waited the exact right number of days, three. Plus it’s Sunday, so everyone’s in church already, and they’re all in there like “Oh no, Jesus is dead”, and then BAM! He bursts in the back door, runs up the aisle, everyone’s totally psyched, and FYI, that’s when he invented the high five. Three days, Ted. We we wait three days to call a woman, because that’s how long Jesus wants us to wait…. True story.

Keith: Do you wanna have sex?
Dave: sure.
Keith: I wanna do it on the floor.
Dave: OK. Just let me put these groceries away.

Billy: That's the thing about Narciussus, it's not that he's so fucking in love with himself, because he isn't at all, he fucking hates himself. It's that without that reflection looking back at him... he doesn't exist.